[Metal Tsubasa]: 95.About Forgivness

2006-02-18 Kaimee: I like the writing but I'm going to have to ask; what's with the Japanese names? Is this fanfiction of some kind? *Thinks of all the Arahi Kitsunes she's ever heard of*

Anyhoo, I'm as much a fan of japanese culture as the next person (Hell, I run the anime guild@wiki on Elftown :P) but I think that with such obvious (stereotyped?) Japanese names you should have a reason for using them.

Maybe you could work some of the culture attached to them into the story? This gives none of their background, no rituals, no references except these extremely strongly japanese associated names. If you're going to use them, I think writing that background or some of the related traditions further into the story would be a great idea :D

2006-02-18 Metal Tsubasa: No, it really doesn't have anything to do with Japanese culture, but when I came up with the characters, I was really into Japanese everything. 'Arashi' means storm or tempest and Arashi got his name because of how he acts.
This little cetion is actualy a small part of a much bigger story that really explains why they have the names they do. These are their mercenary names. Arashi is Kennet, and Kistune is Margot, but they were given their names because of their actions as a mercenaries.

2006-02-19 Kaimee: ...Then I would so love to see just a little bit of their lives seep into the story! XD At the moment it could be set anywhere, anytime, with any culture. If you've got such a fantastic background worked up... please use it! :P

XD

2006-02-19 Metal Tsubasa: It's certainly wouldn't fit into the word limit, I can tell you that right now. I'll try my best... but I don't know if it'll fit...

2006-02-19 Kaimee: That's part of the challenge of writing short stories: making every single word hold meaning and influence the story or atmosphere in some way. You can give the impression of a culture with only a few well placed words, you don't have to on with lengthy extra paragraphs :P

2006-02-19 Metal Tsubasa: Hmm... I'll just have to work at it. Short stories have never been my... forte I suppose you would call it.

2006-02-19 Kaimee: That's why they're such a good exercise ;) The ability to condense a story into it's skeleton form yet still give as much information and feel.. damnit, that's a skill we should all be practising ;)

I just re-read ender's game, and the original ender's game short story (By Orson Scott Card) and while reading the novel I couldn't work out how he'd managed to make it feel as if that short story had as much information in it as the novel. In fact, I couldn't work out what the hell he was doing to make the novel that big, it felt as if it were exactly the same as the short story! :P It's a skill everyone should have (Or at least want to have! :P) and afterall, isn't that why we're here on wc? To learn? :P

2006-02-19 Metal Tsubasa: Very true, and I still have a lot to learn... *sigh*

2006-02-23 Metal Tsubasa: It took me a little bit, and I'm not sure if it's completly fixed, but here's what I have

2006-04-20 Metal Tsubasa: What [Kaimee] had to say about my short after the contest was over: "This piece underwent a transformation since you first entered it in the contest, and definitely for the better! I have no idea if my pestering helped, but I certainly hope it had something to do with the outcome, 'cause this piece is now one of my favourites! :P
However, there are some spelling and grammer mistakes you're going to have to work on, things MS Word spellchecker just isn't going to catch. Maybe ask someone to proof read your pieces each time? For instance, the difference between 'disserving' (as you've used) and 'deserving', the word you meant to :P A dis-service is a wee bit different! :P
All in all I like the culture you've set up there, and the quick glimpse of the mercenary life. I'd love to pare down on the 'list' type history, a quicker mention of the hardness of his life and betrayal from his sister might be more effective by insinuation. But I do like the way you've written the mother in there, that's rather chilling o.o
Edit it to death, and then let it sit a month or so. Then come back and read the old version and read the edited version, and edit it some more :P That's my advice to everyone about everything though, so don't take it personal ;)"

2006-04-21 Kaimee: And don't let me forget that I just love your robots who are programmed to worry like old women ;) That made me laugh ^^

2006-04-21 Metal Tsubasa: *lol* Yes, they were supposed to. Oh, and I wanted to talk to you about what you said about the 'Traditional Japanese Names'. I understand what you mean, but like I said, I would like to discuss it with you.

2006-04-22 Kaimee: I can't even remember how it went before, but... there's just this thing that so many people at the moment do, name their characters "kitsune" or "kenshin", or whatever japanese name they're loving at the moment and put them in their stories, no matter whether the name is appropriate or not.
Re-written this way, you've worked the name in well.
But before, it just came across as another of those japanese-wannabe things, and something like that can really sabotage good writing :(

2006-04-22 Metal Tsubasa: Oh no, I can't do that. Usualy, I try to stay away from them completly, because I really hate doing that and for the longest time all I used was Japanese names, but they didn't fit, because the people in the stories weren't Japanese and had no reason to have names like that. Here, and in Arashi's story, the names are sort of codes, because they've given up their past for the mercenary life. Everyone has names that are sort of weird. "Arashi", "Kistune", "Sabre", "Captain", things like that that all have something to do with their personalities. I sort of got mad at myself for using the Japanese names, because I had tried so hard to stay away from those, but I didn't want to come up with a word of my own that I would have to explain later. I simply used the Japanese words because they were common and people could understand them. Like I said though, I completly understand where you're comming from, and I'm not saying this to go, "well you're wrong and this is why", I just simply wanted to explain why I used them, even though you're perfectly justified in what you said.

2006-04-23 Kaimee: Haha, I know, which is why I love the story re-written this way: by emphasising the mercenary life and explaining a bit of the culture, and how he's given up his name... well, it makes sense :D good job!

2006-04-23 Metal Tsubasa: Thank you *bows* That makes me feel a little better.

2006-04-23 Kaimee: You should feel a lot better, I love this piece ;)

2006-04-24 Metal Tsubasa: I know, I read that, and that made me so happy. Even being in third place, I felt like I'd won first when you said it was one of your favorites. *bows* thank you for that, so much.